Posts Tagged ‘st.francis’

I’m exhausted full stop. I come to the point when I just don’t want to do anything other than what I want to do. No one knows what I’m going through or rather people don’t even want to bother as well they have their own life to attend to. The words people say sometimes it stings do the core, sometimes it’s the things that people don’t do that hurts the most, saying “hi”, asking “how are you?” or just being there.

Driving home late one night, those were the things going through my mind. Have you ever been tired that you were just too tired to even sleep?Well I have. I didn’t want to drive back home, even though I had to obviously. I just didn’t want to do anything, it’s too much to bear. I keep coming back to the word “rejection”, I don’t feel love..I mean not the family/friend kind of love but if I’m being honest a girlfriend love would be nice. But anyway I didn’t want to drive back home, it’s not so much physical tiredness but more of emotional and mental tiredness and well that’s when I just said “Jesus take the wheel”, if you are familiar with those words then well like me it’s from Carrie Underwood’s version of the song. Not literally, but it has a deeper meaning I suppose, take control of my life, I can’t do this anymore, there’s no direction, no peace, no love. Or rather  no TRUE and LASTING love and peace.

The temptation for me at least is the temptation to settle for less. I want earthly love and peace but I know very well those are conditional love. I’ve been reflection on St.Francis prayer and well the more I think about it, the more I go “how the heck am I suppose to do that?!” but it is a challenge.

Lord, make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

I’ve been particularly reflecting on the second part of the prayer cause honestly for me it works the other way around, i want to be console as to console, to be understood as to understand and to be love as to loved. Well sadly being a Catholic, it doesn’t work that way because well the answer is there ” For it is in GIVING that we RECEIVE, in PARDONING that we are PARDONED and it is in DYING TO ONSELF that we are born to eternal life. The question now is how do I do that? Pray is one thing.

As Lent approaches in 15 days, it’s going to be a war on a personal basis, Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said ” God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires to try”, in other words do your best and leave the rest to God because God will never send us where His grace cannot sustain us. I mean God was crucified for me, the very least I could do is try and when I fail, I know God still loves me which brings such comfort to me knowing that even though I’m a sinner He still loves me. Why so? I know that even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, that is feeling unloved, not special, unappreciated, exhausted, rejected..I know He is walking with me through it all, in my head, I picture Jesus infront of me, seeing if everything is safe, saying to me “shouldn’t be a problem for you” cause that’s life, you will always face trouble in one way or another but the great thing is He will never, you guess it, He will never send you where His grace cannot sustain you but even if you do fail, He has your back.

We should never take God for granted. I see successful people, smart students, rich students but they feel so empty, feel so unfulfilled..why? I personally think it’s because they don’t have Jesus. Power, pleasure, profit…won’t get you very far. This Lenten season, do pray for t